this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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