Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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