can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
