I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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