I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
