WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
