he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
