Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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