and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
