I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
