I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
