You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
