Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
