matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
