The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
