Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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