why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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