Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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