At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we're so committed to being not committed
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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