i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
