Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
