filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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