So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
