Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You made out with two different species that night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
