The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I look better un-naked...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
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