I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
