So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need to calm my uterus...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
