we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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