It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
