Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
