If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
