I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well you can't waste a boner
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
