Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
