Have you finally orgasmed yet?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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