Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
