I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
