Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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