oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
