My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
