im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The struggles of a small town man whore
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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