When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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