I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
