Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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