I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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