Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
