i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
