I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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