Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You were trust falling into bushes
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