I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
