after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
