Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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