I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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