the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She tied me up with her honor cords...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
