Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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